Too Nice? Why Kindness Without Boundaries Might Be Costing You
- Susan Robertson
- Jul 14, 2025
- 4 min read
“Niceness isn’t the issue. It’s the unintentional signal: ‘I’m willing to be second."
A Quiet Story That Speaks Volumes
Recently, during a mini-workshop, Kaye, a participant, shared something that stopped the room:
“I’ve been told more than once: ‘You’re too nice. You need to speak up more.’”
She’s struggled with this feedback her entire career. She’s collaborative, loyal, and the first to volunteer for challenging projects without recognition. She believes in letting her results speak for themselves.
Her results do speak: high leadership 360s, strong engagement scores, exceeding the KPIs, and glowing reviews.
But despite all that… more than once, she’s been passed over..
The problem with her “too nice” isn’t the niceness—her behavior unintentionally signals her content staying in the background.
In Leadership and Life: Balancing Heart and Directness
In leadership and life, we like hearing:
“You’re so kind.” “You’re the nicest person I know.”
And if you’re like me, you might even light up when someone says: “You really care. You go above and beyond.”
When clients give me that kind of feedback, I smile because I know my behaviors align with my values. I want to lead and consult with compassion, and I want people to feel seen and supported.
But I also love hearing:
“You tell it like it is.”
That reflects another deep value: truth-telling with care, kindness, and clarity.
The tension between kindness and candor is real. Some of my clients are overly direct and get labeled aggressive. Others are overly kind and get labeled passive.
Many of us want real feedback so we can grow, but we struggle to offer or ask for it. Why? People who lead with heart often struggle to be direct, and people who lead with directness struggle to show heart.
Both are trying to live their values. The question is:
How do we balance both?
How do we show up as caring and courageous?
How do we advocate without arrogance?
How do we speak the truth without being labeled political?
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Sharing Your Value Isn’t Arrogant. It’s Necessary.
Back to Kaye…
She’s leading, but she’s not being seen as a leader. She’s contributing at a high level but not owning her voice or her visibility.
She’s facing an inner value conflict:
How do I speak up and advocate for myself… without sounding arrogant?
But in today’s executive landscape, visibility matters. Owning your strategic value matters. Self-advocacy isn’t bragging—it’s leadership.
Because here’s the truth:
If you don’t define how others see your value, they will define it for you.
And often, they’ll box you in as “dependable,” “helpful,” or “great support”—but not as someone ready to lead.
This is what I call The Good Soldier Trap.
You’re the one who follows through. Shows up. Supports the mission. But while you’re busy being reliable, others are busy being seen.
How to Balance Heart with Visibility and Voice
Here’s the shift, you:
Don’t need to become someone you’re not.
Don’t need to self-promote in a way that feels inauthentic.
Can set boundaries and still be kind.
Need to shift your visibility and speak your truth.
Because kindness, when paired with courage, directness, and clarity, becomes true influence.
Start with These 3 Practices in Life and Leadership
1. Pause Before Saying Yes
Ask: Is this a true yes—or a reflex? Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re doors. You get to decide who walks through and when.
2. Practice Small Acts of Self-Advocacy
Try saying:
“Actually, I have a different view.”
“That doesn’t work for me—here’s what would.”
“I’d like to speak to that.”
Speaking up doesn’t make you unkind. It makes you seen.
3. Release the Fear of Disappointment
Being kind doesn’t mean being agreeable. Being kind means sharing your full and honest truth—even when it creates discomfort. The people who truly value you will respect your voice—not just your helpfulness.
In Leadership, Start With These Tools
1. Reposition and Rewrite Your Story
Your story is your strategy. If it reflects where you’ve been—but not where you’re going—it’s time to rewrite it.
What are you known for?
What should you be known for?
If there’s a gap, your story needs to shift.
2. Clarify Your From–To–Next
Use the Executive Breakthrough Map to define your leadership transformation:
FROM: Quiet Contributor
TO: Strategic Leader
NEXT: Speak Boldly
✅ Download The Executive Breakthrough Map
When you name the shift, you start leading it.
3. Start Managing Perception, Not Just Performance
Performance gets you noticed. Perception gets you promoted.
Ask yourself:
How are you perceived by decision-makers?
What’s missing in how you show up?
What do others say about you when you’re not in the room?
You don’t need to shout. But you do need to speak up.
Can You Relate?
If you’ve been told you’re too nice, quiet, or behind-the-scenes, it’s time to reclaim your voice and value. Subscribe to my newsletter for more Life and Leadership Insights
Join me for the Executive Edge Masterclass—a free, live workshop for high performers who are ready to rise.
You’ll learn:
Why high performance isn’t enough to get promoted
How to reframe your value and visibility
The 3 traps that keep good people stuck
How to build strategic influence—without selling out your values
🟣 There’s no replay. Be in the room.
Or email us for future dates: executivepath@lcbgroup.com
🟣 Final Word: Nice Isn’t the Problem. Invisible Is.
You can still be kind. You can still be generous.
But you must also be seen. Heard. Known.
Because promotions—and peace—don’t go to the quietest high performers. They go to those who own their voice and claim their space.
You’re not too nice. You’re ready for more.
Let’s ensure the right people—at work, and in your life—see it.
Author: Susan H. Robertson, Founder and CEO, Linceis Conscious Business.
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